Kadaj Axed the Beanstalk
by Neophyte Ronin
Summary: It's almost bedtime in the lifestream and Aerith has to keep those lovable remnant scamps under control.  While she does that, she might as well drop a life lesson or three!  Inspired by a Challenge at the Genesis Award BBS...


_I hate warnings. I thought a disclaimer was for informing Square-Enix or whoever that I don't own character rights. They ruin the surprise. Anyway, if someone sounds out-of-character, it's for storytelling and not a measure of author sloppiness._

_**Disclaimer**__: I don't own anything made by Square-Enix but you're not free to post this elsewhere without my expressed written permission._

**Kadaj Axed the Beanstalk**

Aerith tapped her feet to the rapid beating of their hearts. "Next time you get pied flycatchers to do my hair," she protested. "You won't be laughing as hard!"

Kadaj blurted a series of ha-has and Yazoo chortled succinctly. They took offense as Loz shirked from her gaze, tearing up. "Cut it out Loz," cried Kadaj. "You're just doing it for sympathy."

The big guy sniffed and crept down, cross-legged. Aerith redirected her intense greens upon the insufferably pleased long-haired kids. "Leave him alone," she cried. "Stop making him your patsy!"

Yazoo grinned on impulse as Kadaj folded his arms. "Yea ma'am," he cried, saluting. "Loud and clear... B--!"

"--Don't say it!"

"--B-B-Beehive!"

Kadaj and Yazoo fell sniggering and raving as Aerith self-conscientiously pat her grotesquely modified head. Zack better not come back with fifty-plus dates soon, she thought bitterly. I mean, I always get _bluebirds_ to mend it and then I let my guard down.

"H-Hey, Aerith," Kadaj cried, breathing evenly. "Sorry about sending that bird to mend your head... I just wanted to see you once without a ponytail..."

"Really," Aerith chirped lovingly, yet sternly. "If you wanted me to let loose, couldn't you say something?"

"Well, ah," and Kadaj shirked away just as much as Loz. Yazoo elbowed his rib. "Hey! This is none of your business!"

"Yeah Yahoo," Aerith sang to Kadaj's beat, arms on hips, tilting to one side. "I get to speak to her this time!"

...Sarcasm... from her?

Yazoo and Loz chuckled to it. Wide-eyed Kadaj relented, arms hanging loose. "All right," he sighed. "I did it to get attention, okay? ...Just that... you aren't like any... mother... we've known."

"Why that's very sweet of you," Aerith said, smiling. "You never had a mother who told you how to behave, huh?"

Kadaj lit up. "You say she never taught us anything," he decried. "You don't know who she is, either!"

"Well," Aerith reflected. "I didn't mean it quite like that... it's just that you're all so terribly rude and mean and always drawing attention to yourselves... bullying others won't endear them to your cause...

"...I know! I know a story all about this!"

"Really," Yazoo asked, intrigued. "You think it will teach my coarse companion manners for once? ...You're more naïve than I thought..."

"No honestly," beamed Aerith. "You'll enjoy it!"

"Okay," Kadaj said. "We'll play your silly game."

"...Play," Loz groaned, grinning happily.

Aerith took a deep breath. "Okay," she began. "This one's going to be all about Jack and the Beanstalk!

"Once upon a time--and don't ask why I start with that phrase--there lived a man named Jack. He lived in a cute little cottage by the lake with his mother--"

"--Wow," Kadaj interrupted. "Awesome!"

"Kadaj," Yazoo whined. "Could you please not get excited over a stupid fairy tale?"

"It's not stupid," Kadaj protested. "You're stupid!"

"Boys," shouted Aerith, a detached grin working its way across her face. "You can nit-pick the story after; no nitpicking each other, either!"

"Okay, okay Aerith," Yazoo placated. "So how old was this um, Jack?"

"Oh," Aerith said, thinking. "Oh, around my age if I remember--"

"--Oh, well that's just it," Yazoo reflected casually. "I hear many guys who'd whine about having to live with their mother when they got to be _your_ age."

"I think it's cool," Kadaj said in his counterpoint. "Hey, they're lucky... probably some good reason for them to live together, anyway."

"Of course," Aerith winked blissfully. "...Considering they lived in utter squalor on the dregs of medieval civilization like the Kingdom of Ivalice got hosed by Lucavi like what almost happened the other day, sure!"

"Whoa," Kadaj cried. "They were really down and out, huh."

Yazoo just stuck his tongue out. "I still say Jack was just a big mama's boy," he quipped to Kadaj's inner rage. "Tell me someone here who lived with mother until they were _ancient_ like you."

"Well," Aerith said. "I lived with my mother until I was twenty-two. I was selling flowers to support her.

"And that was how Jack was; like me, doing odd jobs, tending small gardens, keeping them afloat... hoping for a miracle... his mother poured all their coins in one hand and said: 'Listen to me: take these and find a way to save our livelihood!' It included their only cow... their _only cow!_ Do you know why this was so all-or-nothing?"

Yazoo shrugged. "It's just a dumb animal," he sneered. "Why would they feel a loss?"

"I don't know," Aerith said. "Maybe it's because cows provided milk and meat and leather? I thought you'd understand seeing how you wear black leather...

"...No comments? Okay then Jack listened to his mother and went to the castle-town with the cow and the money. There were crowds of people in the market, and he happened upon a shifty sort smiling his way. Being totally naïve, he approached the man--"

"--Because that's what _you'd_ do," Yazoo chimed. "Hee-hee... naïve--"

"--Remember the part where you _weren't_ talking," Aerith asked. "Let's get back to that, shall we?

"Anyway, the guy makes sure his moustache is perfectly pointy, and he's got a gold tooth... not like he's tall with a Gallionian accent wearing a bowtie of human flesh or anything, but Jack thinks positively too and it dulls his senses to what the guy might do. So Jack approaches him, and the man says--"

"It's-a me-a Mario!"

"Okay Kadaj where did _that_ come from!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he cried, chuckling. Yazoo buried his face into his hand, also. "Just... that moustache thing, I immediately--!"

"Yeah, yeah," Aerith said. "But I think you got the wrong plumber...?

"But he introduces himself; we can call him Mario as long as you chuckleheads can cool it for ten seconds. He's a merchant specializing in tools and feed for farmers. Jack is immediately interested, knowing how he and his mother both have an excellent green thumb. That's one thing you three can be great at, if you're willing to learn...

"Jack explains his lot: poor like everyone else... tenfold... dire straits... and his sickly cow is his only shot at getting out of this mess. The merchant realizes this, and happens to procure just the thing that will solve Jack's problems!

"They're called magical beans. But what's so magical about a bean...? What isn't magical about a bean, the merchant cries. These things can grow in any soil... they can grow to any size... and sustain a whole kingdom with its crop! ...Thing is, the king's alchemists are just jealous, trying to best the famine their own way, and have no faith in just a little magic. I'll probably head to another town, about as poor and dejected as you are...

"But Jack would not have that! He knew the man meant to save the kingdom with his little brand of magic. Why would he deny him of that opportunity? Surely this opportunity could be shared, and that he could also provide for his mother just the same! Jack immediately agreed to the full price of the pouch: coins and cow. The merchant thanked him kindly and went his way."

"Uh-oh," Kadaj said. "Something tells me this isn't such a good idea."

"His mother thought so too," Aerith agreed. "When he got home without the cow, the coins, and just a bag full of suspicious-looking beans, she went ballistic: okay, just what are we going to eat tonight? Maybe I should have just slaughtered the poor thing and put it out of its misery--then we'd have some meat on the table! What are we going to do with a bag full of beans, Jack?

"...P-Plant them?

"She chucked them out the window, totally annoyed. It took some effort to quit puffing about the lungs before she could console him. Y-You got bought, Jack; I don't know where that man will go, but he must be some kind of trickster; he told you a bunch of fairy tales to make you do something you shouldn't be doing, but you believed him just the same. Jack, there is a difference between blind faith and--!

"--Right then, something rumbled in the backyard, and a chunk of the house got ripped apart by something that grew really big! It took a moment for them to register, but then they spun around and discovered a beanstalk! Oh, God it was huge! And Jack stood there, just as amazed.

"See, mother? I told you those beans had magic in them!

"Jack, what is that thing? ...Where does it go? Why, it stretches beyond the clouds! And I can only assume that's where all the bean patches are! I _knew_ there was a double-edged sword to this whole thing! How are we going to harvest the _top_, Jack?

"...Jack got rope and two knives. This wouldn't be easy.

"So he's climbing his gigantic thing, taking breaks atop of nice big leaves on the sides and trying not to look down too much. Here, he sort of realizes that he's halfway through a moving cloud, and once he climbs through it, he sees blue skies all around. The visage is breathtaking! With sweat still beading off his face, the thin, cool air rushes past and makes him a little dizzy. But it's like a set of hills constantly billowing and changing before his eyes.

"The one thing that doesn't change is a strange cloud holding up a mansion that, while being so far away, appears as if it's much closer. Jack can see his beanstalk leads all the way up to it. He's also high enough to harvest (fell to the earth) the beans promised to mother. So what do you think this Jack wanted to do?"

"Something amazingly stupid," Yazoo reflected. "Seeing how his mother never explained what to do in case he found a big mansion like that?"

"Yeah, you're right," Aerith smirked. "Jack let his adventuresome spirit get the best of him, and he walked along the ropelike beanstalk to its end, right to the stairs of that gargantuan gate! Did he _stumble_ upon Heaven? He was _destined_ to find out!"

"...Aerith, I hate to bash the story," Kadaj said. "I really do, but it's just _how _you tell it... you're kind of corny with the _delivery_."

"Well, I'm sorry," Aerith said. "I figured it'd be the sales pitch, you know, the dramatic build-up! ...He _is_ a good five-thousand feet above the earth!

"And he walks into this gigantic foyer with a gigantic grandfather clock and a gigantic coat hanger and a gigantic chandelier and a gigantic... well, a gigantic everything! Deathly afraid, he literally felt three inches tall; a denizen mouse could effectively maul him... but seeing how he heard nothing, save the ticking clock, he decides to look around, gauge up the place a bit.

"And gauge he did! ...This place must have set the owner back a couple hundred slaves because _no_ chance in God's country would you afford such neat stuff just lying around! Gold, diamonds, embedded in statues, on the table, a couple on the carpet, mistaken for sugar cubes by big ants on the ground... Jack suddenly felt close to home, like he was in his own room, because this place was pretty untidy and laced with the moldy remnants of whatever got eaten upon the gigantic table. Had it not been for the steady breeze out of an equally large window, Jack would not survive the noxious stench. (_He is a bachelor_).

"Jack also felt very alone in the world...

"_Hello!_

"A panicked, whispering voice came from far above; a display shelf from Jack's reckoning. It was a rather sweet lady's voice--_Hey, up here!_--it cried. Jack tried getting a better look but saw nothing. He cupped his mouth and shouted _Hey! Someone up there!_

"_Yes, up here!_

"Jack squinted: a golden statue moved up there ever-so slightly... his eyes widened. _Are you talking to me_, he shouted.

"_Yes, come up here before me!_

"But along the cherry wood surface of that shelf, there weren't any handholds to speak of, and no ropes to climb with. Even the long ways up the walls and stuff were out of the question.

"_Sorry, can I take a rain-check!_

"_No you may not kind sir! Get up here before he comes back to--!_

"_--Boom, boom, boom, boom--!_

"--And she's all frantic, like, _Hurry up! Get in a corner, hide, hide, hide--!_

"--But Jack wasn't really paying attention, seeing how it got hard to keep his balance as the whole floor visibly shook with each and every boom... but that was nothing next to the booming, angry voice:"

"--It's-a me-a Mari-o--!"

"Kadaj," Aerith cried. "Cut that out!"

Kadaj chuckled lightly. "Okay, okay," he cried. "I just remember him climbing up vines to magical cloud worlds full of coins and treasure!"

Aerith's eye nearly twitched for a moment. "That's because the makers of the game drew inspiration from this story," she guessed. "This is one of the big-time children's fairy tales. Gawk at it all you want.

"Jack's world was collapsing around him; dust kicked from underneath his feet. _This was crucial_. Anyway, he heard that booming voice:

"_FEE... FII... FOO... FUM!_

"He's dead...

"_I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A PUNK WHO'S DUMB!_

"_Really_ dead...

"Now, Jack followed the _sweet_ voice's call and tried ducking away somewhere, but while sneaking off he paused and _sneezed_ real hard--"

"--Oh, come on," Yazoo protested. "You're just putting that in just to torture the guy! I never knew you could be so mean to somebody!"

"She got our brother to cross-dress," Kadaj noted.

"Oh that's true--"

"--Knock it off," Aerith snapped. "No insulting the tough guy without my expressed written permission, got it? ...Yazoo, Jack took a big sniff of _dust_ off the floor when these footsteps bounded in; they literally shook the house's firmament! Jack isn't trained in espionage like _some_ jerks I've come across.

"He turned and beheld a towering Jotun, dressed medieval, big, lean, and tough... like _eighty feet high!_ Jack was what, five-foot ten? It took thirteen-fourteen Jacks to _match_ the height. _Don't_ let me touch the weight. For other distinguishing characteristics, he was unshaven, scruffy, had a pipe smoking between yellow teeth (big, mean goofy smirk here), and wore a bandana to properly crop a gigantic mullet.

"Jack is petrified. He knows what day this is...

"He bolts in fear, but three big bounds later, Jack gets snagged. The Jotun pulls Jack by his shirt--locked between two fingers--brings him before his face--"

"--And swallowed him whole?"

"Oh sure Hemingway, great idea: Jotun-ate-Jack-whole-the-end. ...But why is the rum gone? ...What about the _plot_ Yazoo?"

"It'd be adventuresome to explore someone's digestive tract, you know."

"You got a morbid fascination with watching Jack die huh? The supposed allegory of Kadaj adventuring in the name of Mother got you riled up?"

"Well, yeah! He's all antsy over here, thinking, 'What's-next-what's-next-what-happens-next-dear-mother', it's getting pretty annoying."

"You know what happens to overstuffed kids when they mouth off at me--"

"--Anything but the feather--!"

"--Then stop that ridiculous love affair going on; I've seen some of the notes you wrote to yourself..."

Kadaj crumbled in ceaseless guffaws. Yazoo rolled his eyes. Aerith grinned to Loz, who slapped his mouth shut, trying hard not to laugh.

"I'm sorry," Yazoo said. "I just thought if I was that big, I would just swallow the little guy whole."

"Gee," Aerith joked. "And I thought you were the civil one...!

"Actually, the Jotun simply held Jack there, wondering how such a little thing entered his domain. So he asked him, _HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?_

"...Uh, that beanstalk out your front door?

"_AW MAN... KNEW I SHOULD HAVE MOWED THE LAWN LAST WEEK...!_

"Actually, uh--ha-ha! Um, I climbed up a beanstalk--

"_WHAT TH--! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, KID?_ ...So dangling Jack in his fingers, he checked the door in the foyer. Sure enough, beanstalk, just like Jack said. _OKAY KID YOU GOT ME... HOW'D YOU PLANT THAT?_

"Um... I didn't... my _mother_ did. She--

"--Big misunderstanding happens here. _I KNEW IT_, the Jotun cried. _THAT'S WHERE HE BROUGHT THEM, TO SOME WOMAN! WELL, I'LL GET IT BACK LATER, I PAID FOR IT!_ All the while he blows smoke at Jack from his pipe; big thing about this guy is how he smokes like a chimney without regard to the surrounding asthmatics."

"If I may," Kadaj spoke politely. "Is he inspired by Cid or Barret?"

"Close," Aerith chirped. "But neither; this guy is a really disgusting alpha male... filthy man on Bourbon Street--in a _cardboard box_--I walked away from. I never knew if giving him a Gil meant getting off the streets or getting another pint of gin; when I met him in the Lifestream a year later, I cried my eyes out.

"So he's a flawed man. Hear what he does: _I CAN'T LET PEOPLE TALK ABOUT MY HOME_, he cried as Jack squirmed in his fingers, touring the treasure-filled home. _IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULD GET GREEDY AND TAKE ME EVERY CHANCE THEY GOT. I'M AFRAID YOU'RE MY NEW ADDITION TO THE COLLECTION. TRY TO ESCAPE, AND I GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE ME BREAD!_

"He put Jack inside a padlocked cage. It'd be hard to file at it--_if_ he had a file. He slumped down as the Jotun bounded away... and when he exited, Jack turned to the harp!"

"--The harp?"

"--Yes Kadaj that beautiful voice he heard from before came from a pure golden woman in classic Centran robes with a big harp on her back and feathers in her hair... as captivating as any earthly maiden. She had a big harp upon her spine, locking her in place.

"Yeah, I know what you're thinking, she said. I got more money than Don Corneo! (I thought I'd pick on that creep a little).

"Yeah, that's just great, Jack whined sarcastically. When she pouted, Jack lightened up. Look, I'm stuck here for life... for being a liability. How would you feel?

"Just as terrible as me, the harp said. I sing to that bozo each night so he can sleep!

"Well why can't you stand that?

"He likes eighties hard rock...

"...Well, that's a waste of your voice.

"You can tell from me talking, she pleasantly chirped. Want to hear me sing?

"I can't sing to save my life; she puts FM Radio to shame. Unlike the folk faire Jack knew, he heard a melodramatic pop minstrel piece that barely hid its suspicions around His Majesty, King Delita, decrying arranged marriages... Being a lady, I understand and appreciate these songs while Jack simply scratched his head.

"That was roughshod, he said.

"That's also my life story, the harp decried. If they'd listen we wouldn't be talking now. They also cursed me into this... shape...!

"...Oh my... okay, I'm sorry... don't kill yourself, Jack placated, sweetly even. I didn't think you bore that song from such pain.

"Easy for you to say, the harp said, staring at the two big doors. How's your life down below?

"Jack described his life far below the Jotun's cool, mighty abode: he and his mother, poverty, getting swindled, harangued, sent to a fate far beyond, feeling melancholy... and he looked to the harp brazenly.

"Suppose we can break out of here?

"The Harp wondered: how?

"Lull him to sleep, Jack described. Then... um--

"--Come on, don't be shy!

"Can you pick locks? Jack procured one of his scramasaxes--knives for fighting and daily use--she jostled around but couldn't budge too far.

"I can't reach the lock where I am, she puffed. We need him to move us closer together... to the lock.

"Jack tried jostling the cage; made of wooden sticks glued together, it wasn't too heavy. If he repeatedly slammed himself at the right spot--

"--You'd kill yourself, the harp cried. No-no, we need to be subtle! In terms of hiding spots, a large picture frame would do. Jack spotted a ball of yarn with a threading needle attached. Perfect!

"Now if only we can convince the Jotun to just turn my cage around, Jack wondered. ...Suddenly, he averted his eyes; the sunset blinded him. It pounded through the window unobstructed; Jotuns care little for interior design, and shades are worthless for privacy when you're the only guy in the neighborhood.

"Perfect, Jack cried.

"What is, the Harp asked.

"She was next to the window, shading Jack from the sunset.

"Yo um, Jotun-guy!

"Make-or-break move: Jack needed a straight face for this. The Jotun bounded in: _FEE FII FOO--WAIT WE WENT THROUGH THAT... WHAT DO YA WANT?_

"Could you give me a shade?

"_HOW'S THAT?_

"The padlock! Move the cage so I won't have to look away from her!

"_WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?_

"I'm mesmerized by her! I want to look at her, not the sun. Can you do that?

"_...LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: YOU WANT ME TO ADJUST THE POSITION OF THE CAGE SO YOU CAN LOOK UPON THE LADY, AND IN ORDER TO DO THAT, I HAVE TO SET THE PADLOCK SIDE SUSPICIOUSLY CLOSE TO HER?_"

"Y-Yeah, pretty much...!

"...Before you comment, remember Jack is a commoner living far from civilization. The harp got the gist; Jack could not stick his head through the bars to properly pick the lock, and needed her to be close. She intervened:

"Oh come on tough guy. How long have I sang to you? Trust me; the bones ground to powder isn't cool. Do this and I'll sing a new song too, how about it?

"...The Jotun liked this idea, rubbing his beard, smiling. _YOU GOT A DEAL... JUST NOTHING TOO SWEET, OKAY?_

"Yeah... well maybe _soft...!_ Big Smirk

"...Later that night, the Jotun fed Jack. He wasn't disrespectful; Jack ate more food than he ate across three weeks' time! The Jotun ate his fill--titan's portions--while the harp, cursed as gold, needed no such succor. The last time Jack ever ate duck--or strands of any meat that big--was very, very long ago when he had string for his longbow.

"After dinner, the Harp worked her magic: first from the Jotun's favorite band and then he set Jack's cage padlock adjacent to her. _BUT FOR YOUR NEW ONE_, the Jotun stated. _IT BETTER BE MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THAT ONE!_ (This was the tough part; if he didn't like, he'd turn the cage back around).

"...She sang her song: noble birth, wanting join a troupe, countless arranged marriages, countless faithless suitors, embarrassment in King Delita's court, jealous rival doubling as secretive magi... the song isn't long; she chose her verses carefully.

"This bittersweet song gripped the Jotun's attention. He shed tears he hid carefully, until he teetered over and fell asleep upon his chair. He never did that before to her amazement.

"Quick, Jack whispered, handing her the blade. Pick the locks!

"She knew about locks, clicking each piston back to pull the link apart. After the final click--between snores--she forced it down, turned, lifted, and gently set the heavy, awkward device aside.

"Jack triumphantly pushed the cage open, and took the needle and thread. I think we can swing like those guys in the circus, he said. This string is pretty tough, and so are you--for a pop singer--!

"--Hey!

"--Kidding! Hold this; I'll see if I can latch onto that nail over the door.

"This was insane; she knew it. They'd swing like monkeys through one door, smash though a window along this trajectory, and fall to the earth and he'd die... like a monkey... though his personal sacrifice gave her freedom from the repugnant mullet-head Jotun. She felt _dirty_.

"Don't worry, cried Jack. I believe we can do this!

"He needed faith and fury to push a golden harp weighing several times his weight! She needed to heave and shift her weight with him, flail her arms around... but they inched their way across until, at last, she teetered near the edge.

"Okay, we're here, she said. You okay?

"Jack's on the ground, collapsed like _ugh_... kept thinking how glad he was that she didn't eat that night."

"Why is he such a shrimp," cried Kadaj. "I'd haul her there even if I was six inches high...!"

"Well Kadaj," Aerith chided. "Look at gold's density compared to a human--ninety-five percent water surrounded by a flexible container--but she also has a gold harp set to her spinal column--!"

"All right, all right," Kadaj cried. "...I figured he had heroic stature... but he's a total simpleton. It's just not that engaging..."

"But it's real," Aerith reasoned. "All heroes start out as simpletons. _Everyone_ starts out as simpletons. That's what makes defeat so hard to handle; someone you _think_ is dumber one-ups you."

"So Jack is weak," Kadaj argued. "If only the strong survive in nature how do you explain his behavior?"

"_I_ think he's strong," Aerith said. "If I felt weak under that kind of pressure, do you think _I_ could stomach it?"

"No."

"Do you think I'd fight back _anyway?_"

Kadaj closed his eyes to think. Loz propped his head up and nodded, a mute positive, and Aerith smiled. "Thank you Loz," she said. "Give me the benefit of the doubt. I respect that. Give Jack the benefit of the doubt... he'll show you greatness.

"Okay, on the count of three, Jack cried.

"Two... one...

"UUU-EEE-AAAA-EE-UU-EE-AAAAA--!"

"--Ah, Aerith!"

"You set that up," Yazoo protested, blocking his ears. "Just to scream like a bainsidhe...!"

"Sorry... had to do it.

"You get the picture: actually, more like 'AAAAGH!' out the shattered glass panes, but cool! Hey, full moon out! Whoa, did you hear the Jotun scream? ...Too late; side-by-side with the gigantic beanstalk, they plummeted to the ground, and that Harp knew Jack would die. She finally found a friend after so long and now he would die to save her. She might have talked him into a different plan--a different means than this horror show--she felt so horrible. She prayed, she called out, she wanted, wanted... _wanted_ something completely different from this!

"They broke through the cloud cover. She saw a lake. She realized she didn't have to bother squirming for his sake."

"Uh," Yazoo contemplated. "When did you mention a lake?"

"At the beginning," Aerith winked. "You know, little cottage by the lake? You _were_ listening, _weren't you?_"

"You know that sounds an awful lot like your former residence," Kadaj noted. "And this sounds like a Deus Ex Machina to me!"

"No seriously," Aerith cried, smiling to Loz. "Didn't I say little cottage by the lake?"

Loz nodded.

"Brown-nosing--!"

"Hey you didn't think of it Kadaj."

"Well I didn't hear about any cottage by the lake, Yaz! Either we weren't paying attention or _you're_ playing favorites again!"

"Look fuzzy pickles," Aerith joked. "You're in _no_ position to accuse anyone of anything, okay? So they splash in the lake near the cottage, so what? We also did a chain-gang thing that one time and founded the official Olympic sport of Cloud-Chucking. Does anybody believe _that?_ Here's a hint: King of Dragons' evil twin is still on medical leave."

"That's beside the point," Kadaj cried. "Did Jack actually _plan_ this?"

"Actually yes," Aerith said. "You know how?"

"Tell me."

"Well, boys and girls each find their way through the wood differently from the other. Girls go by _landmarks_, boys have _dead reckoning_. Jack discerned north and knew the layout near his house; figured leaping out that particular window would send him into the lake instead of the ground (or _house_, that'd just be _funny_, wink-wink!).

"He coughed and spattered as he surfaced, amazed his heart didn't stop. He _knew_ his golden-harp friend was in the water, sinking in mud. He swam ashore and raced to the cottage where his mother ran to him.

"Jack... Jack! What happened to you? You were gone for so long, I--!

"Mother, listen! That beanstalk leads to a really angry little man... figuratively speaking; gigantic--a Jotun--I-I think he's coming here!

"Okay, that's even _funnier_, she remarked. Now tell me why a woman made of gold with a harp on her back just _slammed through my chimney!_

"Jack gasped to where the still-smoking chimney once was. He assumed she fell in the lake; at some point she let go and drifted elsewhere. Jack would go permanently numb from the lashes he knew he deserved!

"It's all right, his mother cried, embracing him. You're still safe... The moon revealed itself through parting clouds, but Jack knew what it meant:

"_YOU LITTLE PEST_, the Mullet-Head Jotun screamed. _TRY TO UPSTAGE ME! YOU'RE DEAD! Y-YOU'RE ALL SO DEAD!_

"Hey, Jack cried. Pull yourself together! We'll keep your secret, trust us!

"_NO WAY_, the inconsolable Jotun roared. _EVERYONE WILL TRY TO STEAL FROM MY DOMAIN! IT'S NOT FAIR! HOW CAN SHE GO BACK TO THOSE WHO REJECTED HER? IS THAT REALLY FREEDOM? NEVER...!_"

"You know," Kadaj reasoned. "For one who hates evil, you make him downright tolerable."

"He's _misguided_," Aerith said. "He likes to possess things, is very overprotective, and listening to the harp's songs for once shook his conscience... until they took off behind his back. A betrayed man will go to great lengths to right it. How can anyone use truth to their private advantage? It's as selfish as he is.

"Bereft of sense, the Jotun started climbing. (This could be worse than local eyewitnesses; this would get the army involved). Jack's mother felt exposed.

"Jack, she cried. Who started this? ...What's going on?

"Hang on mother, he said. I need an axe--even a hatchet--where is it?

"We sold the hatchet for coppers, she cried. The axe is over there!

"Jack rushed to the shed, but a hole through the roof failed to guard some tools from the elements, including the woodcutting axe. He rushed triumphantly to the beanstalk and swung back... and struck it with half a haft! Oh God, the axe-head flew off and the haft broke in half! Damp rot! Great... no axe, no chopped stalk, no dead Jotun, no happily ever after...

"Wait, his mother cried. Try your great aunt's!

"This grotesque suggestion sounded plausible... he won't fell it by ramming his head against it! At least he was trying! Jack rued the magic beans, the magic harp, magic everything that rose to the sky just to have it crumble upon him!

"He knew his way over the river and through the woods, finding a nice little cottage in the forest, and knocked on the door. Hello, anybody?

"The door opened, and he found a stirred-not-shaken cousin named Little Red Riding Hood. She had a basket on her arm filled with goods for her grandmother. What happened, Jack asked, seeing a startled face with rapid breaths.

"G-Grandmother, she cried. Some big bad wolf ate her and dressed up like her! If it hadn't been for the woodsman...!

"(Just so you know Little Red Riding Hood was _my_ favorite bedtime story).

"In stepped a handsome chap with a bloodied axe in his hands... my kind of guy, not afraid to dirty his hands for a lady. Call him Didymus; I know you got a hang-up on Cloud. Jack asked: can I borrow that?

"...What this? The woodsman handed the axe over suspicious with Jack's lack of compassion. No time to talk, Jack cried. Got to save mother--nay, the whole kingdom!

"Jack exited quickly; Miss Riding Hood and Didymus stared at his dusty trail. He pursued, spare in hand, as the young girl hoped for the best. ...Finally, Jack returned to the beanstalk--"

"--Why did Jack want to chop it down," asked Kadaj. "Did the Jotun _have_ to climb down to get them?"

"It was a five thousand-foot drop to the ground," Yazoo clarified. "If the Jotun's only eighty feet tall, that's sixty-two-and-a-half Jotuns down. He'd _climb_ the vine or fall to his doom."

"Exactly," Aerith confirmed. "So Jack huffed and puffed, hacking away at that thing any way he could, determined to make the Jotun fall to his death... but this took longer than he thought...

"Hey, Didymus cried. Need some help?

"Sure, Jack called. Get that end!

"They each chopped an opposite end. They still couldn't cut through as fast as they wanted. They could _hear_ the Jotun scurrying down. Jack felt his arms ready to fall off! But he didn't need to hear Didymus' shouting to keep going; he knew what would happen if they stopped!

"Then something miraculous happened; a tremendous snap from the vine. It buckled under its weight, a hard chain reaction! TIMBER!

"The beanstalk collapsed... thankfully away from the house! As for the Jotun...

"...He was only a hundred feet up. When he rumbled the earth with his weight he only sprained his ankle, clutching it in pain on the ground."

"Wow," Kadaj said. "That _didn't_ kill him?"

"Nope," Aerith said. "Jack's mother was surprised; Didymus never knew why to help, but marveled at its length stretching along the road towards the Castle Town. Miss Riding Hood arrived to see the commotion and her mouth gaped open.

"Look Jack, she cried. Look at all the beans!

"Yes Jack, his mother cried. They're everywhere! That thing must have had millions of them!

"Didymus was pleased. This should end the nation's crisis, he complimented. I don't know about this guy; know some guys in the wood looking for an indentured servant... court magicians would love to duplicate the beanstalk--

"No, _no!_ Jack would have none of this! The Jotun doesn't belong here. He wants to be left alone; he doesn't mean any harm! ...So he tried locking me up for an eternity--

"--_Jack!_

"--But he won't do it unless he thinks he must...! Oh mother, what are we going to do?

"_AHEM!_

"The Harp cleared her throat. Jack went to the destroyed chimney and asked her. I _am_ a magic harp, see; I can grant three wishes to whoever rescues me. (She made this up on the fly; she _had_ the power, true, but never _had_ to dispense such pleasantries--she just appreciated Jack's compassion).

"Okay... first wish, and Jack thought carefully. Okay... I wish...

"This was _hard_. Jack _could_ fix his house anew and please mother. He _could_ get more magic beans. That might please her, too. So many things came to his mind... but he heard the stamping horse legs of cavalry, and _they_ made up his mind!

"--I wish for the Jotun to be sent back to his home!

"And the hapless Jotun, scared of his secret being let out, gazed upon the charging cavalrymen. As he started to vanish, he looked to Jack in amazement. Before he vanished, a faint smile escaped him.

"Why that was pretty _nice_, the Harp said. What else do you wish for?

"I wish... then he thought of Miss Riding Hood, shaken from her loss. He knew what she'd want: I wish for grandmother to come back... live out her life naturally.

"Didymus half-smiled, retrieving his axe. Better make the third one count, he remarked coolly. Come on girl, you don't want grandma to see all that blood and guts and severed wolf head and croak a second time, right?

"Miss Riding Hood lingered to hear Jack's final wish. Okay... okay um... I wish... _I wish..._

"The crucial one: maybe fix the house or the mansion above and its riches et cetera... but Jack looked to the Harp and smiled.

"...I wish for your humanity... for the curse to be lifted...

"The harp dissolved from her back, and she became human again, her Centran robes now bending properly and her lovely form ninety-five percent water surrounded by a flexible container. Everyone was shocked. But as the gold went away... so did the magic.

"Jack, she cried, slapping him upside the head. Why did you say that? I wanted you to wish for your house to be rich and full of food so my mother and I would never go hungry! You blew your last wish on me?

"What, Jack said. You're ungrateful?

"...Well... I wouldn't go _that_ far, but...

"What's wrong? I figured it out: it's about having faith in self and others, how everything will click into place in the end. I can't rely on miracles to solve my problems, or mother's. I nod to miracles when they happen but it's far more than that.

"Well, what? You're having a lucid moment sweetie, don't let it slip!

"He said: I got this far with everyone's help. If I didn't make peace with anyone, we'd be in for a reckoning. So I'm not really the hero...

"No, but you're a sweetheart. She kissed him airily.

"Jack knew whatever he said to the artist formerly known as harp didn't apply to mother, who owned his life practically. When she approached him, she shot nothing short of a stern look. He gulped for the worst.

"Then she embraced him, all in tears.

"Jack, she cried. You're crazy... in a good way! You're wonderful! You put others ahead of yourself and I forgot how beautiful that is! You're beautiful, Jack! Forgive me... I know you'll be greater than kings... no, you _are_ greater!

"--Hey you're just saying that because the _cavalry's_ nearby and they're hearing about this great new _recruit_ before their eyes, aren't you?

"...Well _yeah_, she whispered with a big grin. I mean, come on Jack, how else can we rebuild our house? If we asked the Woodsman guaranteed he'll gouge us. I always thought you'd love the military life; our land needs honor and compassion, true? Leave the house be; let's speak with the guard captain.

"While Jack's trust in magic, blind as it was, caused as much trouble as it solved, his original problems still needed tending: caring for his sweet mother. And her suggestion might just do it; perhaps the military life might be good. Despite his fears, Jack would do whatever it took to help his mother and friends. It didn't matter if Jack, his mother, or the--_ha!_--the artist formerly known as the harp lived happily ever after...

"...They lived... and lived well...

"The end," Aerith proclaimed with a big grin on her face. "So how'd you like it? Did you _learn_ anything?"

"That you're long-winded," Yazoo complained. "Barring interruptions, that took a while. What'd you learn, Kad?"

"That Jack was crazy," Kadaj joked, somehow elated. "But he did things that _I'd_ do, so I shouldn't talk."

"Well," Yazoo reflected. "I thought it'd end on a positive note. But so much went awry; he almost lost mother's respect, but--!"

"I know," Aerith agreed. "It's hard. You'd rather just play, but mothers make sons responsible. Take care of those you love. If you wish to serve someone to the bitter end, you better mean it.

"But I've kept you up; didn't think it'd be that engaging; I'm not a good storyteller, huh?"

"Okay," Kadaj wondered. "Do I suck up or tell the truth? ...Hmm..."

"Very funny," Aerith scoffed. "You're still ready for bed."

"Sure, change the subject."

"Goodnight mother," Yazoo said politely.

"Goodnight," Aerith replied. "Pleasant dreams..."

She leaned over and kissed Loz sweetly on the forehead. She tiptoed away, leaning back to wave to them before departing. After a minute, Kadaj stared blankly ahead, while Yazoo pouted.

"Did you notice she kissed the big guy--" Yazoo complained, "--And not us?" Loz giggled giddily under the covers.

Kadaj rubbed his temple. "Mother," he groaned. "Picking favorites again..."

THE END

**XOXO**

_**Disclaimer:**_

_Characters from Final Fantasy are copyright Square-Enix, all rights reserved; no duplication of this text may be transmitted, printed, or otherwise manipulated without expressed written consent of the author._

_**FAQ**_

_**...Bedtime story?**_

_Aerith gets stuck with the brothers in the lifestream. What else do they do?_

_The GA BBS' Challenge thread inspired this and another, longer story involving the trio in a peaceful relationship with Aerith._

_**...GA?**_

_Come November 2007, Genesis Awards will judge Final Fantasy VII fan-fiction written between 2004 and 23:59:59, October 31__st__ 2007 (nomination deadline). (See my profile for the link)_

_**The "Jotun" sounds familiar...? **_

_"Jotun" is a word in Norse Mythology describing giants who lived beyond the habitable limits of Iceland/Greenland._

_...Don't ask; his description is inspired by Solid Snake of the Metal Gear series._

_**And other video game references...?**_

_Yeah, yeah, Mario... couldn't resist..._

_**Why is it so long?**_

_That's like asking why I used to suck my thumb. If I had an answer...!_

_**Well okay, but this ain't how the story went?**_

_Aerith adlibs here and there; each version is different. I omitted one-sided painting of villains and described Jack's plight in realistic fashion; though morality matters, it's like spinning plates on sticks. Aerith leaves it hanging since living happily ever after isn't exactly something that happened to her._

_**Finally, what's with pied flycatchers?**_

_An in-joke; based on silly "Oh my Goddess" fan-fiction I read years back, how birds mend Belldandy's hair. Pied Flycatcher is a friend I asked to beta, but she left for a while and I didn't feel like waiting. __I feel assured this is good though, and not like moose turd pies, either__. The boys' prank on Aerith's ponytail was a means to quickly capture their relationship after Advent Children._

_**...Until Next Time...**_


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